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Making Decisions
I remember the time when my son was in the
process of choosing his college degree. I would
not have anything to do with Liberal Arts. As
far as I am concerned, the professors in that
field are liberal to left leaning. I did not
want my child "contaminated." Of course, I did
not prevail. And thank goodness I did not.
Imposing my views at this stage would have been
disastrous for his future. My son loves to
write, and is a published writer. There is just
no way I'd make an engineer out of him. He loves
what he is doing now. I am proud of that. And I
promised to be more open minded with my
daughter’s choice of a career.
Now, don't get me wrong. As a parent I strongly
believe that we have to guide our children
through certain stages. I believe that at a
certain age a child is not capable of making
certain decisions. Nor should we expect the
child to make those decisions. Some shrinks
might call that empowerment. I call it cruel. We
need not make the decision for them. Just be
sure we make them see the alternatives. Silence
at this point can be mistaken for indifference.
"My dad does not care, so why should I?"
Sure, deciding on the flavor of ice cream to
have on a Sunday stroll is easy. But that is
totally different from deciding the club to
join, or which people with whom to hang out.
Those are painful times for parents when a child
needs to make a decision. It is more painful and
I believe ultimately harmful to the child if we
are not there to help him through it.
I
think we call that discipline and guidance. Our
children probably see it as a stranglehold.
Driven
Some of our parents expected a lot from us. They
inspired. They cajoled. They pushed. Through us
they saw a means to undo or continue the past.
Through us they built dreams they saw for them
but never achieved. And even if they did achieve
those dreams, they saw in us an extension of
themselves. They relived their lives through us.
In one sense, we were their means to
immortality.
But here's the scary part.
Some of us expect a lot from our children. We
inspire. We cajole. We push. Through them we see
a means to undo or continue the past. Through
them we build dreams we saw for us but never
achieved. And even if we did achieve those
dreams, we see in them an extension of
ourselves. We relive our lives through them. In
one sense, they are our means to immortality.
Somehow I see a cycle here. Hmmm...
Sure these are generalizations and some of us
are gifted in making sure the cycle does not
repeat. But we cannot ignore the troubling
possibility. We are creatures of habit. We
resist change. We tend to make history repeat
even if we already know how it will turn out.
Subconsciously we may want to repeat the cycle.
A Journey to Maturity
A mature person seeks and finds happiness in
anything and everything, especially by having
someone to care. A child seeks what is fun and
demands attention. Fun is for the moment.
Happiness not as transitory.
You see, growing older does not guarantee
maturity. It just means our knees hurt just a
little more often and we're losing our hair.
Conversely, youth does not mean a lack of
maturity. Maturity is accepting and having a
sense of responsibility towards others. Maturing
is foregoing our immediate needs for someone
else's.
You know, this thinking is so archaic and
incomprehensible in this age of psychobabble.
What with the "Me first" and "If it feels good,
do it" anthem? In psychology, I think this is
called, "Infantile omnipotence." This is the
belief of having the unlimited power of an
infant, as an adult. This is believing that
"Everything should center on me." And why
shouldn't it? After all, "I earned it."
Responsibilities and Expectations
Relationships come with responsibilities and
expectations. Unreasonable expectations will
lead to disappointments. But lack of expectation
is a sign of indifference.
In
raising one, it is our responsibility to make
sure the child is allowed to be one. I often
wonder if a child who is not allowed to be one
will choose to remain a child even in adulthood.
Somehow the child will make up for that lost
childhood. We see the signs all over:
Destructive and irresponsible behavior, running
away, summer break drunken binges, and whatever
else. Plain old bad adult behavior or acting out
a childhood temper tantrum?
This may sound simplistic, but children see it
as breaking away from a stifling upbringing. We
see it as a rebellion and ingratitude. Can you
imagine how our parents saw us at that stage in
our lives?
"You are not my friend!"
"My son, it's beyond that. My love for you
goes much deeper. I will take a bullet for
you. I'll give up anything for you. But first
you have to understand that I am first and
will always be your parent. Just as you are
first and will always be my son."
Of
course he will never understand this
mumbo-jumbo. In the excitement of the moment we,
too, will lose our cool and the wisdom gained
through the ages goes ppfft! And probably even
yell back, "Oh grow up!" or a few choice words.
I know it's difficult, but it works. Just take
deep breath and be sure to give him a hug. For
this, too, shall pass.
We
stay away from things that hurt us. Anyone can
and will at times, disappoint. It is our choice
how we react to it. Today having fun provides
instant gratification, whereas happiness entails
vigilance and search. Happiness comes with
commitments whereas, "What happens in Vegas,
stays in Vegas."
Commitments come with responsibilities and
expectations.
Fun only requires you to be there, sometimes not
even mentally.
How can our search for happiness compete with
that? What a tough choice. |